The 12 Pains of Christmas

“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.  Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourke

The holidays are here and we’re still trying to figure out how we’re going to get it all done. So, instead of asking you to work at something – anything – I’ve decided to give you a gift of holiday music. Elmo did it, so did Ren & Stimpy, Winnie the Pooh, Shrek, the Muppets … so with animated competition like this, what can go wrong with my first effort at song-writing?

Yeah, I know, don’t quit your day job. So, feel free to sing along to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas. Key of D Sharp, please.

All together now:

The first thing in business that’s such a pain to me… is the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The second thing in business that’s such a pain to me … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The third thing in business that’s such a pain to me … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The fourth thing in business that’s such a pain to me … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The fifth thing in business that’s such a pain to me … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The sixth thing in business that’s such a pain to me… worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The seventh thing in business that’s such a pain to me …  jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The eighth thing in business that’s such a pain to me… tweeters tweeting nothing … jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The ninth thing in business that’s such a pain to me … linking, linking, linking … tweeters tweeting nothing  … jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The tenth thing in business that’s such a pain to me… never-ending traffic … linking, linking, linking … tweeters tweeting nothing  … jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The eleventh thing in business that’s such a pain to me … tracking people down … never-ending traffic … linking, linking, linking … tweeters tweeting nothing  … jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

The twelfth thing in business that’s such a pain to me … New Year’s resolutions … tracking people down … never-ending traffic … linking, linking, linking … tweeters tweeting nothing  … jam-packed airplanes … worthless status updates … bubble-headed numbskulls … cell phones a’ringing  … meetings, meetings, meetings … stuff a-cumm-u-lating … and the never-ending stinking eee-mail.

Be with your loved ones in person and in spirit. Get some rest. It will all be waiting when we return.

Merry Christmas … and best wishes to you and your family for a healthy and happy holiday season.